or
Seriously. Your fucking hat is on crooked. It looks like you couldn't
find a mirror so you tried really really hard to get it on straight but,
because you're a goddamned retard, you couldn't figure out how!
by fluxrad.
I'm not a fashion expert. Anyone that knows me will certainly vouch for that little nugget of truth. I tend to wear t-shirts well past their useful lifespan - you know, to the point where the cotton 'round the neck begins to fray and the tag starts sticking out. I pick the nerdiest shirts I can. I enjoy clothing emblazoned with linux-related taglines. And my legs are short, so pants tend to be too long. Call that slopiness; I call it a genetic present from my mom, along with chicken legs and no chin. Suffice it to say I am no Blackstone. Blackwell? I'm thinking of the fashion guy, not the magician.
Perhaps my entirely explicable disdain for the latest fashion trends is why I find some of the latest memes to come out of whatever hellish coast they...um ...came from to be so absolutely retarded. I'll admit, I'm a judgemental guy. Anyone who knows me, knows this. But, like the hooker with the heart of gold, I'm pretty accepting once you get past my gruff exterior. Yes, there's a difference in how much we charge for a happy ending, but the comparison holds. Regardless, there are certain people I simply must refuse to abide. They fall into several categories.
"But fluxrad." you say, "How can I make sure I don't fall into one of these categories, so that our friendship can continue to prosper and I can buy you a Nintendo DS Lite for your birthday? Can you provide more information? Some sort of guide, if you will?"
I'm glad you asked. If you're doing your best to not look like a complete douchebag, please obey the following fashion rules:
1. Don't pop your collar.
I'm not kidding. You are not in a ska band. You are not going to marry Gwen Stefani and have her babies.
"Ha Ha!" you say. "I have cought you in a falsehood. I cannot have Gwen Stefani's babies because I am a man!"
Wrong. Gwen Stefani can impregnate you because she has an adam's apple. This means she has a package. You pop your collar. This means you have a vagina. Don't argue, ass. It's math!
2. Don't comb your hair down over your forehead.
Yes, Emo Phillips, I'm aware that life is pain and that you want to hide from the world. But it appears as though your super-tight hip jeans have cut off the circulation to your balls. Otherwise, you would know that you look like you slept on your face.
The nice thing about emo kids that comb their hair into a perfectly styled waterfall is that they can't see you pointing and laughing. Even if they could...it would just make them cry. And crying is cool.
3. Stop putting patches on your shit.
Patches are for old clothes that have holes in them. If they're that old, you should throw them away. Your clothes came from Hot Topictm pre-patched to look cool. Sure, your 15 year old girlfriend thinks your Sex Pistols shirt is swell, but everyone else thinks you look like a douche.
What I'm trying to say here, Hunter, or Tanner, or whatever fucking jack-hole name your upper middle class parents gave you, is simply this: Punk was irrelevant before you were even born. You're not not rocking out against the man. You are the man. Or at least, you will be when your dad finally decides to hand the firm over.
4. (And most importantly) PUT YOUR FUCKING HAT ON STRAIGHT!
You know who puts their hats on crooked? Old people. That's who! You look like an old person. But since you're not old, you also look like a tool. The sun isn't shining to the left, Marcus.
You know who else wears their hat crooked?
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